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Fare Thee Well WordPress

Mr. Potato Head

I’m moving on. No hard feelings, WordPress, but this relationship isn’t working for me anymore. You’re too possessive and controlling. You want everything to be your way, and I need some space. I need freedom to express myself fully, and you just can’t give me that. I’ll always cherish the time we spent together. Those were some of the best days of my life. But if I’m to grow and be who I’m really meant to be, I have to go it alone. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it has to be.

So tomorrow I’m going public. At least that’s the way I see it. This new venture is very much like an initial public offering (IPO) for me. And, so I’d like to take this opportunity to offer you this amazing, once in a lifetime chance to invest in It’s gonna be great. Like Facebook only better!

Do you really think anyone believed Mark Zuckerberg when he came up with his crazy idea to put everyone’s personal information online? Who would want that? But apparently Mark knew something about human psychology (and a teeny bit about coding) that no one else did. And I think I do, too, except for the coding part.

If you ever saw the movie, The Social Network, the whole idea seems even crazier, and you’re left wondering how Facebook ever got off the ground in the first place. Well, aside from stealing someone else’s idea and coding a whole new, ground-breaking program overnight and scamming your best friend into financing the project until you make it big and then cut him out. But I’m not like that. All the money here is going to a good cause. It’s going to the send One Funny Motha to Tahiti Fund. Because I’ve always wanted to go, and because then I could write all about it for you. See? I do it all for you.

Of course, I can’t go (to my new site or to Tahiti) without first leaving you with one last Friday Photo Finish. On Sunday. For old time’s sake.

Man Down in Office

I’m telling you after this week with everything that’s been going on and trying to transfer this site, this is exactly how I feel. 

Anyway, I hope you’ll join me at my fancy, new address, And grab my button. I’m giving away FREE buttons to the first 50 people who sign up to follow me  through email or RSS feed on my new site (you have to re-sign up if you’ve been following me here because WordPress is mean and won’t transfer everybody to my new site). And then free buttons to everyone else!

And just in case there’s any mishaps (but their better not be, Tech Person, you know who you are) here’s my new email (write me). My Facebook page and Twitter and Google and Pintrest are all the same.

On Monday I’ll also be announcing the winner of the Lost in Suburbia book giveaway on my new site so stop on by to see who’s the lucky winner.

Guys, this is only the beginning. Let the good times roll!

photo credit: slworking2 via photopin cc

Book Giveaway and Author Q & A

Lost in Sub_REVISE8.20.indd

Today I have a special treat for you. Well, two special treats – one for you and one for me. It’s only fair. Today commences my inaugural book review post and giveaway of one copy of Lost in Suburbia, a hysterical new memoir by my good friend and yours Tracy Beckerman.

The book just hit the bookstores last week, but I got an early sneak peak because I’m cool like that. Actually, I’m not. I typically never know about anything until it’s out of style, but Tracy changed all that for me, and I gotta say I love being in the know. And this is one book you are gonna want to know about.

I take humor seriously over here as you are aware, and I would not steer you wrong in that department. Tracy’s book does not disappoint. If her prologue is any indication we are in for a very real, completely relatable and totally hilarious look at the life of a mom trying to raise kids, maintain her sanity and recapture a little bit of her former self after leaving her cool behind in Manhattan for the more family-friendly pastures of the New Jersey suburbs.  

She may be but one lone mom, but her memoir, or momoir, as Tracy calls it, tells the universal story of women trying to find a little piece of stable ground after becoming a mother.

Read more…

Word to Your Motha: Fugacious

Girls in a Row

What I really like about this word is that it sounds obscene. The nice thing is it’s not. You can sprinkle it liberally into all your conversations and scandalize people without ever having uttered an unsavory term.

Like this: “That’s a God damn fugacious lie, and you know it!” Doesn’t that go perfectly together? It just sounds right. Sadly, the word is nothing like it sounds. Why are words always trying to fool us? God damn words and their fugacious lies!

Well, I’m here to put an end to all that. We will know exactly what these words mean and then see if they can trick us then again. Just try it, words. Try it. We’re not falling for your cruel jokes anymore.

Read more…

Frank Bruni, HuffPost & Me

Over the weekend I decided not to give up writing after all. Who am I kidding? Then I’d have no one to talk to, and I’d have to go back to talking to my husband, and he has no time for that, which is why I started writing in the first place. If I stopped writing now I’d be right back to square one and angry at myself and despairing over the loss of my outlet, which really could have been something if only I’d kept at it, and then I’d be even angrier and lamenting, why’d I have to be so stupid

And I have to say it was a good decision because Sunday morning I woke up and read Lisa Belkin’s piece on Frank Bruni’s piece on parenting in the New York Time op-ed pages last Sunday, which lead me to read Bruni’s piece which lead me to write my own piece, which I sent off to The Huffington Post, which they published today on the site. Funny how things work.

Devil Child

Anyway, if you haven’t read any of these, here’s the short version. Last Sunday Frank Bruni said this: today’s parents suck, blah, blah, blah. And then Lisa Belkin said this: no they don’t. And the whole internet said this: Frank, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about because you don’t even have kids so shut your face. And I said this: What if Frank Bruni has a Point? I have kids so I can say that so internet shut your face. And you said, OFM, you are always so smart and right about everything so I am going to read your piece right now!

Even if you didn’t say that, could you still read my piece? Thanks!

P.S. The piece is slightly more eloquent than what I’ve written here. Promise.

Also there’s this. One click on the banner registers your vote. That’s all you have to do (Everyday. Forever). Thanks.

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photo credit: skippyjon via photopin cc

Friday’s Photo Finish: BS Free Zone

I’m toying with the idea of doing a new segment called Friday’s Photo Finish. I think it’s a good way of kicking off the weekend. It’s kind of like a happy hour but in the morning and without drinks. On second thought, it’s more like a really crappy happy hour with coworkers you don’t particularly like, but they mentioned going for drinks after work, and you thought, “Oh, what the hell. It’s better than not having a drink after work.”

Listen, I’m doing the best I can here with my limited skills and resources.

This week since I’ve talked a lot about bullshit I thought this photo was absolutely perfect for today’s inaugural (if I keep up with it) Friday’s Photo Finish. Is there anything better than this sign?

Bullshit Free Zone
In that vien I bring to you my bullshit-free work for the week.

On Saturday my piece, “I Hate Playdates,” was on Mamapedia. I almost forgot all about it because I’m a mother and because it was Easter weekend (more on that in a minute). But you shouldn’t forget because it’s pretty dang funny, and it’s also the most accurate, BS-free portrayal of the modern day phenomena and resulting misery known as the playdate. My writings on this subject really ought be entered into a scientific journal somewhere because I think it’s the most comprehensive, detailed research in the field to date. For those who don’t have the time to read scientific studies, the essence of my work can be summed up like this: In my Expert Opinion Playdates Suck. I’m doing my part for the social sciences.

Then there was Easter Weekend, documented in Tweets That Make You go Hmm, which we kicked off on a very hopeful and happy note with the Easter Kitty. Screw the Easter Bunny.

Wednesday’s word was suckily. Read all about it here, and as my grandma would say: Use it in good health.

That brings me to Thursday when I was on The Epistolarians with my piece, “Ode to Mom Jeans.” This just might be my magnum opus. I may be giving up writing now. I don’t think I’ll be able to top it.

If you want to, you know, be a good person, click on the banner. That’s all you have to do (but keep doing it. Everyday. Forever). Thanks.

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photo credit: marsmet481 via photopin cc

Crack is Whack & Other Musings on Mom Jeans

Butt Crack kid

Make it stop!

Today I’m over at The Epistolarians, which if you haven’t heard, is a group of “kick ass women writers taking the internet by storm.” And I’m one of them! For my piece I chose to write about something near and dear to my heart. A perplexing issue that’s been gnawing at me for years now. A serious matter that’s caused me angst and frustration on an almost daily for much of my adult life. It’s something that touches every woman’s life, and that is the very serious and vexing issue of fitting jeans.

Why, why I ask you, is it in the 21st century can we not have fitting jeans? It doesn’t have to be this way.

Check out An Ode to Mom Jeans, and join me in taking a stand against this scourge on humanity because if you don’t rise up, your jeans never will.

Butt Crack guy?

I don’t even know what’s going on here.

But before you go click on the banner, okay? One click is all it takes to tell the fashion industry we will no longer accept crack as an irrefutable part of daily life.

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photo credit: glennwilliamspdx via photopin cc
photo credit: my torment via photopin cc

Word to Your Motha: Suckily

frustrated guy at Computer
I’m not typically one to like new, made-up words. I’m no fan of amazeballs, awesome sauce or asshat. I’m more of a traditionalist. I think we should bring back henceforth, fortnight and hither. But every now and then, where appropriate, I revise my stance. Now is such a time and suckily such a word.

I understand suckily is not a real word, but it should be, and that’s the difference. Many, many other words have made it into the modern day lexicon without my consent or approval, and they are all wrong. Take “favorited,” for example. I deeply despise this word mostly because there’s no such thing. Favorite is not a verb and therefore cannot be favorited. Then there’s “friended.” Again, no such thing. Please allow me, if you wouldMr. Zuckerberg, to illuminate something for you and the 90 billion twenty-year-olds who currently believe “friended” is a valid part of the English language. The word is “befriended.” Could you please change that on Facebook? Thanks! That would make me feel so much better. 

Read more…

Tweets That Make You Go Hmm

Holidays can be tough.


Thank you, Jen. At least somebody has the sense to say it. I mean Christmas was only three months ago. Do we really need another holiday?

I remember when my first child was two, and my friend whose daughter was the same age started talking about having another. I was like, “I just had a baby. I’m not ready for another. In fact, I won’t be ready until this one is out of the house.”

That’s why I’m declaring all holidays and babies bullshit!

Read more…

The Easter Kitty

Today I have a little Easter surprise for you. I hope you enjoy it because my daughter risked her life to get this photo.

The Easter Kitty

Who’s a cute, little Easter Kitty? You are!

Technically, the bedazzled bunny ears should be in front of the cat’s little kitty ears to make it look more realistic, but Kitty 1 said this wasn’t in her union contract so she fought us every step of the way. And it shouldn’t be so blurry, but it was an action shot.

Easter Kitties, if you didn’t know, are virtually the same as Easter Bunnies. The only difference is instead of hiding little treats in the form of colored eggs scattered about, the treats they leave behind are little kitty turds.

I can’t leave you on that sour or, more accurately, stinky note so allow me to leave you with these parting words:

Happy Easter

I would never normally have anything that cheerful in my house, but like I said it was a gift. The truth is even though I wouldn’t buy something like that, I keep the little, yellow wooden chick around all year to remind me spring will eventually return.

That’s it folks. Happy Easter! And if you truly want to make it a happy Ester for me, please vote by clicking on the banner. That’s all you have to do. Thanks!

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In My Expert Opinion Playdates Suck

Good morning all. Although I typically don’t post on weekends, this morning I have some exciting news. Today I’m featured in the Mamapedia Voices section, which highlights “selected writers, from up-and-coming mom bloggers to well-known mom experts.” The cool thing is I’ve always considered myself to be both an up-and-coming blogger and an expert. It’s like someone finally gets me, you know? Mamapedia was the only one to recognize I know things about stuff. I’ve raised two children for years now, and I think that qualifies me as an expert. I’ve also been up-and-coming for close to 40 years so Mamapedia really described me to a tee.

The piece Mamapedia ran today is my, “I Hate Playdates,” essay which I originally wrote for BaristaKids way back when. If you haven’t read it, check it out. And don’t worry, parents. The good news is I survived, and you can too!

Help an up-and-coming expert blogger out, and click on the banner below. Just one click is all it take to register your vote and spread the word about my expertness. Thanks.

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